hesitation

In so many different ways and in different situations we hesitate. A hesitation can be a small, almost invisible break between two sentences, or it can be a long, restless, contemplative hesitation on which action to take.  Which either, it holds an element of fear, and in the hesitation excessive mind-spinning takes over; analyzing, rationalizing, justifying spaces of thought, struggling to figure out the next move. Why do we hesitate? Most likely, because we are afraid of taking a ‘wrong’ decision, we fear for the potential outcome, we worry. However brief a hesitation, it seems that some shade of fear emanates from its center. Hesitation is not the same as an ‘art break’ between sentences or ‘taking a break’. I think we all know hesitation and how it differentiates from other moments of apparent silence or non-action.

I find that when I surrender to the flow of life, when I manage to take each moment as it comes without fear, worry and attempt to control, then I don’t hesitate. I just act and do in alignment with my heart; what ever I feel like doing or saying comes fully natural at any given moment. When there is no hesitation, it is as if there is no decisions to make, because the intuitive knowing ‘what to do’ makes it all flow for you. It is instantly, spontaneous, intuitive, and not over-complicated, like the mind at times wind-up things to be. It just is, very simple. When you are in tune with the flow, there is no hesitation, because the fear has dissolved in trust and surrender. Then, fear doesn’t exist in the small moments of nothingness between the actions. Silence then, is pure and clean. In this space of ‘between the moments’ there is no right or wrong, all just is, and fear no longer have nutrition to feed from.

As soon as I am not in this flow, hesitation is right back as an inescapable shadow, the most annoying fellow traveler. Frequent contemplation of ‘should have’ ‘could have’, ‘this way’ or ‘that way’, ‘maybe’ ‘maybe not’ is back on. It all amounts to fear; fear of the unwanted outcome, fear of rejection, and fear of wrong decisions, even though they don’t exist but as a pure game of the human imagination, or a ‘smart’ ego-survival strategy. How ironic, funny almost but annoying still. Aligning with your truest self, your heart if you will, seems to be the bridge to get onto the ride of flowing with life, without any hesitation.

 

|Denmark 2009

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