screaming under water

a little grain of the moment when the end of a meaningful love story became real;  that story of the infinite highs and the most turbulent lows. This was written in a moment of the latter.


screaming under water

I woke up, suddenly, around 4 am this night, in tears; grasping for air. And this morning, I woke with a heavy hangover of disappointment and sadness. You disappointed me truly last night, baby, in a way I didn’t imagine you could; or would. You did. I thought you were different, but now you are like the rest, which saddens me. I wish it wasn’t so.

So I wake up this morning feeling empty and in grief about the loss of you, because I don’t recognize you anymore. I lost you last night; or at least that was when I realized it. You are gone, we are gone, ‘it’ is gone, and you are like the rest.

The pain. The pain is in my throat. I cannot speak. The disappointment is pressuring from behind my eyes and within my chest. It hurts to breath. The air feels different. The air is different today. Everything seems different despite it’s just another day; the day after yesterday and before tomorrow. Last night I was all yours, completely. Today I am someone you once new, one among many. Now I am too one of the rest.

If only I could use words to tell and paint how it feels inside me right now. It is like the entire interior – all parts of my body, all internal organs – have been rearranged during the horrible sleep and I woke up as a new, fresh, hurting, organism. In pain from an extensive and invasive surgery, an organism which now has to learn how each inch of its being works and shake the misplaced parts back into order, so it wont continue to hurt when it functions. It looks the same, but it is not, and it knows not how to function; but it will. It feels like someone took my tongue just as I was going to tell something vital, or like someone took my legs, right as a big tsunami rose above me. It feels like screaming under water. It feels like dying of thirst and trying to drink from a seemingly fine bottle of cold water, but the water will not come out. It feels like you have taken off a mask and I understand, that it was never you. I hate the feeling of disappointment. It comes close to that of betray. And I hate more than anything, that it was you of all people. Not you. Not you. Please, baby, not you. Oh no. The truth came to me in such an awful realization last night.

As for today, I will try not to open my mouth, because I don’t trust what will come out. The grief in my throat eats the words and presses them out of my eyes instead. I am trying to breath under water. I know and trust that someday, I will reach the surface; but today I stay in silence, paralyzed.

|China 2007


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