storm in a glass of water

a grain depicting a bizarre but insightful lesson I was once taught, while having to accept letting go of a soul mate kind of love – noticing the strange dance between ego and soul..

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storm in a glass of water

Life has over the last many weeks been teaching me a lesson, so intense and profound that I was deeply thrown into it, temporarily unable to see it for its purpose. I was a student, I studied, failed a few times most certainly, I participated, and finally I understood.  The lesson most likely can never be put in words justly, as it was a realization opening into a deep knowingness; nonetheless I will make a humble attempt.

I can illustrate the way the lesson was taught to me like this: It was like I was inside an airtight box with a clear glass of water. There was nothing else but me and the glass; no external variables. And yet I managed to make a storm in the surface of the water, like a wild ocean at its worst. I was all alone in the box and still it felt so dramatic. At all times the depth of the water, everything but the surface, was calm and in perfect alignment, unaffected. When I finally gave up swimming against the current, I realized I was struggling unnecessarily, and that the ego part of me, had to surrender to the calm, loving part of me, who saw the truth of the matter.

The struggle was about letting go of a significant love relation, a deep soul connection, because however magic it was, it was over almost from the day it began. It was one of those rare moments where the most beautiful bird lands on you, but must not be captured for then it would decay. The temptation to capture it however, in order to share the days of life together, was strikingly vast. Clear to us both was it, that we were not meant to share this lifetime, despite most likely having shared many before; yet walking away without looking back was hard.

It was a surreal experience, while it was going on, and I started to notice the duality within me. There was the hurt ‘me’, the ‘me’ who was creating all the drama all on my own, in having to accept letting go. It was the part of me acting out of fear of not being good enough and fear of not being loved – and that part of me which wanted to hold on the good that came my way. But at the same time there was also another presence, a strong and calm one, within me during it all. It was the calm and loving essence of me, the part of me who knew that everything was alright, that love was all around me and within me, and knew that it could never be lost, even if the very human part of me thought so and dreaded a difficult goodbye. It was a still observant to the storm at the surface. It was almost like my ego was acting hurt and creating drama, meanwhile my soul was smiling at it, supporting it with a reassuring undercurrent in the wild river. Even in my saddest moments, it felt like at some level all was somehow fine. I could see it so clearly, my ego and reactions, but I just couldn’t stop it. Then, at some point I suddenly saw humor in the whole experience; it was like a cosmic joke played out to teach me a very profound but also difficult lesson.

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nothing is lost in love

Sometimes we must learn the hard way, it seems. Our worlds appear to be turned upside down at times, or so it feels until we notice, that there in reality is no up or down. I understood from this lesson that nothing is ever lost in love. In a profound love relation the love is omnipresent and eternal. This implies that it cannot be undone or disappear, even if we as humans depart, it simply cannot be lost. At the soul level the love will dance into eternity, it cannot be challenged or damaged, because it is way beyond man and woman and human behavior. The ego can surely make a mess or drama at its own level, but it can never truly destroy pure love. This space of love can be tuned into, for example in meditation, and is as real as anything. I understood that trying to own, claim, or capture beauty is not desirable, nor feasible. Beauty just is and should just be, organically. Sometimes we must walk away from beauty, appreciating that it was, and knowing that it never is gone for real.

This lesson made me appreciate the storm on the surface of the water. I find that in radical changes – in contrast – you can suddenly notice layers of knowledge and learning. In a brief moment of change, where everything seems thrown up into the air and before anything settles into any new or old constellation, small pieces of profound understanding lies. I realized that truth is a strange, ingenious phenomenon. It seems that there is nothing but one truth: love. It is as if love is the core, pure essence of all that is – and from there in its most concentrated form, it emanates outwardly. Hence, everything else becomes nothing but steps away from the truth. Only love is real as author Brian Wiess writes, makes much sense. And, it can never be lost.

|France 2009

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